Piggymoto- All Star Boar Band

Ingredients:

Instructions:

First thing’s first, you’ll need to fillet the “Tubefish.” I did this by laying a piece of crab on its side and using a sharp knife to slice it down through the center. This gave me two wide, thin, long slices of crab with one pink side and one white side. Doing this lets the fish absorb more of the egg and it simulates a skinned, boned fillet.

Now, take your egg and combine it with the dill and lime juice. Whisk it up until its well blended. Set the sliced crab meat into this egg and let it soak while you heat your frying pan and butter over medium-high heat.

When your butter is hot and melted, lay the strips of egg-soaked crab on the heated pan and cook it like French Toast. When the egg is nice and golden-brown on both sides, it’s ready.

Now, you’ll have a lot of egg left over. You can fry it up separately for a fresh-tasting egg treat, or you can add another egg to it and make a Nemhatehtti Omlette.

Serving Size: makes 2 5-piece servings

History

The Adabbian gulf is not well known for its edible sea-life. Apart from a handful of finger-sized species and a few truly nightmarish arthropods, there just isn’t much to eat under the sea. One exception to this generalization is the Adabbian Tubefish. When they are alive, thesefish look like a cross between catfish and eels. They grow to be able 18” in length, and range in color from muddy-brown to mottled moss-green (Not pretty. Not pretty at all). When they cook up, however, they take on a very attractive pink hue and a sweet, buttery flavor.

Well, Nothing like the Adabbian Tubefish exists on planet Earth. So, I had to improvise. The egg in thisrecipe imitates the Tubefish’s natural juices, and leg-style imitation crab is pretty much a perfect match for the tube-fish meat. With just a few tweaks, I was able to duplicate this curious recipe here on our very own, planet Earth.

Click to DL and share the .PDF

This is the recipe that Miss Borenchnik insisted that I include on the website.  Now, her original was written out in Moscrovian, so I had to translate it into English, and then adapt it to include ingredients with which you will be more familiar.

Now, don’t tell her this, but I put the question mark up there because some of the ingredients are not indigenous to Moscrovia.  So, they had to be imported.  Therefore, this is hardly a peasant’s soup.

Anyway, for the sake of curiosity, I’ve included some of the original instructions, but they will be italicized and red, so that you don’t confuse them.

Ingredients:

One schruven* full of peeled and boiled beets, with the water in which they were boiled.  You must not throw away the water, for that is wasteful and shameful.  It is the way of the imperialist!  Let the red water remind you of the blood your forefathers shed in the fields.  That you yourself shed in the fields for these very beets.  In fact, sing the Soldier’s Hymn while you cook these beets.  Sing and show your pride and dedication to your mother country.

• About 4 cups (2 14.5 oz cans) of cooked beets, including juice

you will need one wineglass of pure water from virgin stream or fresh melted snow.  The water must be the purest possible, or it will ruin the soup, and this is very shameful!

• 1 cup drinking water

Two buck pinches* of fresh, finely ground pepperberry.  These must be as potent as possible, and they must leave your mortar and pestle slightly oily from their grinding.  You may use more berries if you like, but no less than two buck pinches.  The spice will help your belly stay full through the night, and it will also burn your lips if you try to eat too much of the sweet soup.  Shame on any child who over indulges.  For, over indulgence is the way of Imperialists.  Your delight is to be subtle and quaint but empowered with constant reminders that the world is sharp and hard.

• 1/4 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper

Two thimbles of salt from the Bone Sea.  It must be collected under the mourning moon* and distilled in the rays of the angry sun*.  The crystals then must be powdered completely, and you must not use more than 2 thimbles of this salt.  For, this salt is sacred to our ancestors and to abuse it is an afront to the sacrifice they made, freeing this land from the imperial, wolfish clans.  In fact, nobody of lupine heritage should be inside the home when the salt is added to the soup. They must be escorted outside, and then welcomed back in afterward.  This symbolizes your forefathers’ glorious victory against the meat eaters, and then their boundless generosity to allow them to share the land after the revolution was won.

• 1/2 teaspoon fine-grain sea salt

Two thimbles of powdered sage.  This adds a pleasant, earthy flavor.

• 1/2 teaspoon powdered sage

Instructions:

All of these ingredients must be mixed together into a large, glazed earthenware bowl with a lid.  Not wood and never metal.  Never unglazed, and not blown glass.  Do not use the wrong mixing vessel by mistake.  For, carelessness is disrespectful to the souls of those who have fought so hard to make this treat a possibility.  You must respect them.  if possible, the bowl should be blue.  White is also acceptable.  Never red.

1.  All all ingredients to blender

Mash and mix with your favorite mixing wand.  It is most favorable for this to be one handed down to you by a grandparent.  However, if you are unfortunate enough to not have received a masher from a grandparent, then you must use a six tined fork.  Absolutely never use a three tined fork.  These are the utensil of choice in the decadent countries across the mountains and near the boiling sea.  There, imperialism and idleness reign supreme.  No.  Either use a proper masher or a humble, six-tined fork.  in fact, to remind yourself to be honorable and humble, sing seven verses of the Farmer’s Hymn while you mix.  Work until you have reached a desirable consistency, that is uniform and flows smoothly.

2.  Blend until liquid

Now, cover the bowl with its lid, seal it with beeswax, and bury it in the snow during the day until it feels cold as ice.  Serve it only this cold and never warm.  For, when the soup is warm, it loses too much flavor.  Allowing this to happen is extremely disrespectful to your proud ancestors, who toiled and fought so hard for you to enjoy your treat.

3.  Chill well before serving

One batch of this will serve a very, very humble family.  If you find that you only need to make one batch, then perhaps you should reconsider the size of your household.  Perhaps, if you can not afford to bring children into this world, and if you can nor afford to feed your own parents and grandparents, then you should reconsider sipping this dessert soup.  Perhaps you should invest in some wheat instead, and make bread for your starving family.  This soup is only for those who have earned it. So, you may feel inclined to deny it to naughtier children and elderly folk who refuse to keep active.  But if you can not motivate your family to act as they should, then you yourself do not deserve this treat.  You should eat leeks and roots instead, and sit in silence.  Lament your idleness and imperial ways!

4.  Serves 5

Personally, I’ve found that this soup does follow a meal as a delightful alternative to some unhealthy sweets.  It’s also fantastic on it’s own on a hot summer day.  But I warn you.  Serving size is about 3/4 of a cup.

Do not eat much more than that.

Do not eat this soup daily.

…  Trust me …

Anyway, some definitions of the more curious terms in Anatasia’s recipe.

* A schruven is a large mug from which famly members drink beer when the sun sets.  It is traditional that every member of the family have a screuven of their own.  It is very personal and unique.

* A “buck pinch” is about 1/8th of a teaspoon, as opposed to a “doe pinch” which is 1/16th of a teaspoon

* “Mourning moon” describes the Winter Solstice, and “Angry sun” describes the Summer Solstice

Click to DL and share the .PDF

Ingredients:

• 2 ½ to 3 cups well-fluffed, unbleached, all-purpose flour
• 2 ½ teaspoons dry, active yeast
• 1 teaspoon sugar
• 1 teaspoon fine grain sea salt
• 1 tablespoon butter, softened
• 1 cup plus one teaspoon warm water
• 1 egg white
• cooking oil (to wet pans and bowl)

(note: let butter come to room temperature naturally. Do not microwave it or melt it on the stove; these actions will affect the flavor and consistency of the butter.)

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 450°F.
2. Separate 2 1/2 cups of flour into a large mixing bowl. Add the butter, and mix it into the flour very thoroughly with a fork until it is completely distributed. With the back of a spoon, press out a nice well in the center, into which you will pour your yeast mixture.
3. In a small mixing bowl, combine your yeast, sugar, and two tablespoons of water (which you should take from the 1 cup you’ve already measured). Mix this up until the sugar and yeast completely dissolve and pour it into the well you’ve made in the flour.
4. Cover the mixing bowl with a slightly damp cloth, and place this in a warm location for about 15 minutes.
5. After the yeast had had time to double itself, add the rest of the water to the bowl, and mix it all together until the dough begins to stick together. Sprinkle the salt over this, and mix the dough until the salt is distributed thoroughly.
6. Prepare your kneading surface with a generous amount of flour (you will need more than usual, because at this point, the dough is VERY sticky). Turn the dough out onto the floured surface, and kneed with well-floured hands. Add up to an additional half cup of flour as needed.  Knead until the dough holds together, and feels smooth.
7. Set the dough aside and wash out your mixing bowl. Oil the inside of the bowl until it is slick, and place the dough into it. Roll the dough ball around until it is glazed with oil, cover the bowl with the slightly damp cloth once again, and place this somewhere to rise for about 40 minutes.
8. During this time, clean and re-flour your work surface, and prepare one or two baking sheets by oiling and lightly flouring them (the rolls must not touch prior to or during baking, so you will need either one large sheet, or two smaller ones). You will also need to oil one side of some plastic wrap (enough to cover all of the baking sheets that you will be using). Spray oil works well for this, but you can also dip a clean rag in cooking oil and wipe it onto the plastic wrap.
9. You are looking for the dough to have doubled in size. A simple test is to flour your hand, and poke two fingers about a centimeter or so into the dough ball. If the dough does not spring back immediately, and two little holes are left where you pressed it, then the dough is ready.
10. Punch the dough down to release all the built-up air inside, and turn it out onto your floured work surface.
11. Cut it into 8 equal parts and shape into oblong ovals. Very gently tuck raw (cut) edges under so that the entire outside is smooth, firm and not sticky. Place these onto the prepared tray or trays, giving each one plenty of room to expand (about 3-4 inches).
12. Cover the shaped rolls with your prepared plastic wrap, and let them rise until they have doubled in size (about 30-45 minutes). You can test these by gently pressing a finger against the side of one of your rolls. If you leave an imprint, the rolls have risen enough, and are ready to slash, paint, and bake.
13. While you are waiting, use a clean fork to beat your egg white with 1 teaspoon of water until it is nice and frothy.
14. With a very sharp knife, very gently give each roll a cut along its top, the cut should run its whole length and be about 1/8^th of an inch deep. This will give the rolls even more room to expand when they bake, and will also give them a nice shape when all is said and done.
15. Using a very soft basting brush, brush the tops and sides of your rolls with the egg white and water mixture.
16. Gently slide your rolls into the oven now, and bake for 15 – 20 minutes, or until the crusts of your rolls have turned an attractive, golden brown.

Serve fresh and warm with breakfast or dinner. These rolls are fantastic split and slathered with butter and jelly, stuffed with breakfast meat and scrambled eggs or dipped in supper stew – whatever you can think of.

Just remember, they are absolutely NOT baguettes!!